If I say ‘Amen’ the loudest
and I wear my hat the biggest
and quote Bible texts in the fashion of a parrot;
I shout on all street corners
and preach hellfire and brimstone
and chastise all my friends for going to secret raves;
If I vilify homosexuals
and shun the excited, tempted unmarried
and criticize the divorced with great vehemence;
If I set fire to the drumkit
and tell the Praise Team they’re too lively
and petition all and sundry for the banning of girls’ trousers
Then I’ll call myself the best Christian.
Yea, the best Christian of them all.