Broken Record.

There’s something that has been bugging me for a while. I daydream a lot. That in itself isn’t the problem, it’s the subject of the daydreams that get to me. They’ve caused a lot of confusion in my head and have left me down and annoyed.

Sometimes they’re inpure thoughts. I’ve actually managed to tackle the worst of these through prayer and resistance, but now they’ve warped into something frightening. I’ve given myself the impression that, because I’ve never been in a relationship before, the one I do finally land into will be a disaster. The same scene of me getting beaten and battered by my future husband plays over and over in my head. It makes me scared of commitment and it’s managed to give me a newfound weariness of the opposite sex.

You must know by now that I don’t agree with gender stereotyping, gender inequality and the way in which women are treated within religion. But my opinions have intensified with time and it’s made me surprisingly bitter. It’s the weirdest thing because the majority of my friends are male and I get along better with men than I do with women. My two closest female friends aren’t the ‘typical’ female either, whatever that means…

But now I’m wondering if I’m guilty of misandry; if the main reason why I’ve always turned people down or ignored courting calls is because I hold a dislike for men? I asked some people to pray for me about it yesterday (I obviously didn’t go into the details of it because I don’t know any of them) but it’s started to get me down. I wanted to resume a ministry that had started up at church but disintegrated—a young women’s meeting group—but now I worry that I won’t be the right woman for the job. I already know how bored my church friends are with my talk about gender inequality.

Maybe I should just shut up and keep my thoughts to myself.

And what’s more confusing is that I actually hold some fondness for a guy. But when I finally told my closest friends about my feelings for him, it felt like admitting defeat.

Jeez. What a messed-up person I am.

4 thoughts on “Broken Record.

  1. You are not a messed up person! And talking about it is not admitting defeat.

    In my own experience, having been raised in a religious household, having “impure” thoughts was not something I was raised to deal with in a healthy way and I had a similar struggle to what you’ve described in here. Unfortunately for me, some of those abusive “fantasies” developed in real life situations before I realized how harmful that was. I definitely don’t have all the answers, but I have come to a few conclusions that I hope you find helpful.

    First, sex is not a bad thing. Even if you don’t want to dwell on the ideas, talking about them can be helpful. Talk to a close friend that you feel safe with. Someone that will just listen to you without passing judgement.

    Second, I would suggest going to counseling if it’s available to you. I’ve been going to a counselor for about 8 months and it’s been so helpful to me. To look at the root of whatever the problem is and to tackle it with an impartial third party can be extremely helpful.

    Good luck, and I’ll be praying for you as well.

    • Hi, thanks 🙂

      See, I’ve never really found it a major problem thinking about sex, especially because most of my friends are virgins as well, so we all discuss it together. Especially as young people, we’ve learnt to stray away from the older adults at church who still view sex as somehow ‘wrong’ to talk about.

      My problem has been recently that I keep getting worried that I’d find myself in a bad or even abusive relationship—and because I won’t be able to divorce I’ll be stuck in that marriage for the rest of my life. It’s a very irrational thought because, if I really believed God was choosing my partner for me I wouldn’t worry in the first place, but sometimes my mind runs away on it’s own!

      Oh dear, did it come across as though I was having abusive fantasies? Haha didn’t mean that at all ^_^;

      I think it would be nice to have someone to talk to about it—I’ve been starting to wonder where my constant anger about gender and men in general comes from. But writing this blog post sure helped alleviate some of the stress.

      Thanks for your kind words!


      • Maybe “fantasy” was the wrong word to use. I meant it more in a “daydream” type context rather than a “I’m longing for this” context. Words can be strange sometimes, haha.

        I’ve always believed that God gave us brains so that we could use them. Blind faith is definitely not good (not that I’m saying you have blind faith, it’s just a general statement.) In matters like these, it’s definitely important to use both your own mind and your faith.

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