Assertiveness and Confidence.
I find the two go hand in hand but my lack of both have hindered me on several occasions. I’ve allowed people to trample on me until I’m nothing but a pathetic sack of nerves. I don’t continue arguments—and I mean genuine arguments, not little spars with my friends—because I just can’t be bothered to fight my corner and when I see someone doing something that I disagree with it’s likely I won’t say anything. There’s been times when some of my friends have been spoken badly about to me, as in, someone just wants to start bitching about someone else, and I don’t say anything. It’s only fairly recently that I’ve started to say “I don’t agree with that…” or “well that person’s my friend so I haven’t seen that side of them before…” and such things. This is because I’ve realised that by staying quiet I’m just as guilty. Guilty by association.
I lack confidence with many things. With my singing ability, my writing, with talking to others and speaking in public. Giving testimonies in church is something I don’t do often because the image of tens of eyes staring at me makes my heart flutter. There’s so many things I want to do, that I wish I could do, but can’t. I hate being in the spotlight.
Sometimes I look back on my Dark Ol’ Goth days and wonder if the music I listened to and the way I dressed was a coping mechanism. It was a way for me to be outrageous, to be interesting and a talking point of sorts. People at school called me weird, people at church thought I was a lost cause. It was a lonely time but for once I felt like I had a thing, something about me that I could say was different.
There you go. Another confession.
Dressing like that is the most confident thing I’ve done: not many Black people around my way would do it. Social pressures would contribute to that: South London is saturated with African/Caribbean culture and the expectations placed on the Black diaspora is immense. Now that I’m converted I wonder if I still have the confidence to dress in such a way and if I don’t, then what’s happened? Shouldn’t it go the other way around? One pastor said that God can turn you from being shy and reserved to bold in Christ. Why aren’t I bold yet?
I would have put this on the prayer request list on Facebook but I don’t want to tell those people. I’m not friends with all of them. So I’ve decided to go even more public with it and put it on this blog instead. *ironic chuckle*