Starting Again.

I’m so glad for another week.

Last week really was a nightmare. It started off by a wrong decision which meant I was in a situation that had me reprimanded by my friends. I ended up feeling really disappointed with myself and I couldn’t pray for a couple days because I had the burden of what I’d done just playing on my mind.

I also had university work that needed doing (which I still haven’t done) and the memory of my poor performance during my French Oral kept playing over in my head. Being Christmas Week meant a lot of rushing around and doing last-minute shopping and errands for people that had left it too late to get the presents themselves. It was a struggle from the start, but Wednesday was the worst. In fact, it was bloody awful.

I told a close friend that I had feelings for them. And even though I knew I was going to get turned down, it still hurt me more than I admitted—not just to him, but to myself. I moped around on Thursday like an idiot and I felt angry at him for not being clear enough about his own intentions. I wasn’t the only one who found his ignorance surrounding basic male-female interaction a little odd. Bottom line: he led me on. Overtly. And had no idea.

It wasn’t his fault, though. To be fair, I should have been thinking more clearly. I think we’ve all seen through my posts on this blog that I have very confusing and conflicting opinions about men and relationships and marriage and this is something that has caused me stress for a good three years. At 17-18 I actually had NO trust for the opposite sex; church was worse, because I saw a lot of old-fashioned gender stereotypes and borderline misogyny amongst the older men. These sentiments were passed down to their sons and it made me despair for young Christians. Because of these feelings, the few times I’ve had romantic feelings for a guy, it’s left me in a state of self-defeat. I felt this way VERY strongly with this friend of mine because I just couldn’t read him and I couldn’t really describe how I felt about him. I just knew that he was on my mind a lot. And it made me feel vulnerable.

So anyway, I got it out there. I was rejected in a round-a-bout way, but the message was clear anyway. It came with an apology as well. Ugh. We ended the phonecall like we always did, chatting nonsense and whatnot, and I thought I felt better once it was off my chest, but by the next morning I felt awful, as if I was nursing a hangover.

I’m really grateful for my sister, who gave me good advice about it. And two friends who are very dear to me. One of them knows how odd I feel about relaying my feelings to others so he waited patiently while I sat around his table and fiddled with my fingers. He gave me a big hug afterwards. My other friend made me feel a little better; opened my eyes a bit to the major differences between me and this guy—differences that would have caused problems. As in, my ‘radicalness’ 😀

So yeah, not a good week. I’m not going to give a Bible text here. I should, but it’s been a long day and I think it’s time for bed soon. I’ll just say this:

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with God. Concentrate on that one before anything else, and He’ll provide you with everything else.


Broken Record.

There’s something that has been bugging me for a while. I daydream a lot. That in itself isn’t the problem, it’s the subject of the daydreams that get to me. They’ve caused a lot of confusion in my head and have left me down and annoyed.

Sometimes they’re inpure thoughts. I’ve actually managed to tackle the worst of these through prayer and resistance, but now they’ve warped into something frightening. I’ve given myself the impression that, because I’ve never been in a relationship before, the one I do finally land into will be a disaster. The same scene of me getting beaten and battered by my future husband plays over and over in my head. It makes me scared of commitment and it’s managed to give me a newfound weariness of the opposite sex.

You must know by now that I don’t agree with gender stereotyping, gender inequality and the way in which women are treated within religion. But my opinions have intensified with time and it’s made me surprisingly bitter. It’s the weirdest thing because the majority of my friends are male and I get along better with men than I do with women. My two closest female friends aren’t the ‘typical’ female either, whatever that means…

But now I’m wondering if I’m guilty of misandry; if the main reason why I’ve always turned people down or ignored courting calls is because I hold a dislike for men? I asked some people to pray for me about it yesterday (I obviously didn’t go into the details of it because I don’t know any of them) but it’s started to get me down. I wanted to resume a ministry that had started up at church but disintegrated—a young women’s meeting group—but now I worry that I won’t be the right woman for the job. I already know how bored my church friends are with my talk about gender inequality.

Maybe I should just shut up and keep my thoughts to myself.

And what’s more confusing is that I actually hold some fondness for a guy. But when I finally told my closest friends about my feelings for him, it felt like admitting defeat.

Jeez. What a messed-up person I am.