Reins

You had me
on my hands and knees.
I crawled like an animal on the ground
the dirt carved rancid contours in my skin
which helped to map the journey
of the sins
that I held dear;
How far these acts had brought me
and how near to death I am.

I felt a scorching sun between my legs
which pulsed with each throbbing movement;
sent daggers of pain along my spine
every time I remembered.
The blood that runs from me
like a leaking tap
or angered menstruation
only causes others to see
that I allowed you to use me.

A noose to cut into my neck
and a red handkerchief to gag me
a cloth plastered to my eyes
so I lose sight of any Light:
all my hope is gone
and I’m bound to you entirely

There are things that I love doing
and some activities refuse to be abandoned:
those websites that I sought out
and watched with morbid fascination
until they were all I thought about during the day
and rushed home to spectate again;
those novels that told me I was invincible
and excited me for other things;
those people I loved to talk to
about affairs that didn’t concern me;
those men I went home with
so they could fill me, yet I still left feeling empty;
those times I ignored the Word for Worldly Things…

Now I only have your word.
How far must one have fallen,
to believe the slippery solicitations of a serial
adulterer
deceiver
and fiend?

How far must one have fallen? I asked,
as the Devil rode me like a fool
for his bidding.

 

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Question

If I had been an angel at the start of time

Would I now be lying in bed

with the Devil?

 

(I was reading the first chapter of Patriarchs and Prophets a few days ago (‘entitled Why was Sin Permitted?’) and it made me think about how flaky I am. I’m stubborn with some things, but a lot of the time I’m easily swayed—it’s my nature as a people pleaser. I’ve got myself into a lot of stupid situations because I felt bad about saying ‘no’ and didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings…. I asked myself the question: would I have stood for God during the war in Heaven, or ¬†would I have been deceived by Lucifer’s words of discontent?

It was a scary thought for me, at least. Because I couldn’t answer it.)¬†