I said “help”
with closed lips.
Did you see my need
in the ways my clothes hung off my body
the way how I stood
like an old coat rack
that spends its years wasting
in a charity shop?
Was there a sign
in the late texts
that rattled your pillow as you slept
and the morning calls–supposedly innocent
only two hours after?
Was my desperation evident
in the absent prayers of general weather;
my eyes which could stare for hours at night time
the journeys I took inside my self in silence,
where my daydreams made more sense than reality
how I found it easier to speak to walls in my head
and rolled in uncomfortable fits of fidgeting and breathing
whenever I spoke to you?
You asked me: is everything okay?
But my mouth didn’t open.
There’s something that has been bugging me for a while. I daydream a lot. That in itself isn’t the problem, it’s the subject of the daydreams that get to me. They’ve caused a lot of confusion in my head and have left me down and annoyed.
Sometimes they’re inpure thoughts. I’ve actually managed to tackle the worst of these through prayer and resistance, but now they’ve warped into something frightening. I’ve given myself the impression that, because I’ve never been in a relationship before, the one I do finally land into will be a disaster. The same scene of me getting beaten and battered by my future husband plays over and over in my head. It makes me scared of commitment and it’s managed to give me a newfound weariness of the opposite sex.
You must know by now that I don’t agree with gender stereotyping, gender inequality and the way in which women are treated within religion. But my opinions have intensified with time and it’s made me surprisingly bitter. It’s the weirdest thing because the majority of my friends are male and I get along better with men than I do with women. My two closest female friends aren’t the ‘typical’ female either, whatever that means…
But now I’m wondering if I’m guilty of misandry; if the main reason why I’ve always turned people down or ignored courting calls is because I hold a dislike for men? I asked some people to pray for me about it yesterday (I obviously didn’t go into the details of it because I don’t know any of them) but it’s started to get me down. I wanted to resume a ministry that had started up at church but disintegrated—a young women’s meeting group—but now I worry that I won’t be the right woman for the job. I already know how bored my church friends are with my talk about gender inequality.
Maybe I should just shut up and keep my thoughts to myself.
And what’s more confusing is that I actually hold some fondness for a guy. But when I finally told my closest friends about my feelings for him, it felt like admitting defeat.
Jeez. What a messed-up person I am.